[ Cullen managed to tease the barest hint of a smile from Fenris' lips. Honestly, why would his friend say that anyone was lucky for having his heart? And it was so nice of him to say there was nothing shameful about wanting to stay here, though Fenris was unsure of that. ]
You are too kind to me.
[ The grip on his book relaxed, but the sigh he exhaled was slightly frustrated. ]
I am unworthy of him, but Bull has accepted my heart.
Listen. If you admire and respect him, admit that he's good, then surely he can't be so wrong about you? Has he been wrong about other things? Important things?
All of us have things in our past that make us doubt our worth. All of us. Sometimes, that's what a...lover...does for you. Pulls back that veil and shows you where you're wrong.
[ Reluctantly, he slowly met that gaze once more. He could feel Cullen's eyes burning into him, it was difficult not to look. The determination he saw there, the understanding, it was much like Bull. ]
I... No he has not.
[ It was impossible to argue with him. Cullen made him not want to argue, because he seemed to truly believe in the words he spoke. His dear friend, he had never lied to him.
And so Fenris' stubborn resolved appeared to crumble a little. ]
I have never had a lover before. Not like... this. I want to run away and never return, and yet I cannot stay away. I do not know if I am afraid of him or myself more. And yet I do not want to lose it. Does any of this make sense?
[The faith he had in him was still something of a lash knowing the secret he kept from him. He was coming closer to facing it, owning it, but not today.]
All of it makes sense. Love is terrifying. It gives you something to lose that matters. I'm, ah...in a similar position with someone. So I understand better than you might think.
[There weren't many people he'd have such a frank discussion about this with. He had come to understand that he could rely on Fenris. He could only pray that his secret didn't break that beyond repair.]
[ His brows rose in surprise at Cullen's confession. ]
You are? [ a faint, brief chuckle escaped him. ] Perhaps that is how I knew you were the one to come to. [ it was a joke, clearly, because Fenris always came to Cullen for advice regardless of the topic. his trust in him was more than a little obvious. ]
[He nodded, his faint smile at his assertion somewhat quick to fade at the question.]
No. I'm needed in Thedas, and she would understand that. She's bound to duty, as well. But I don't judge anyone following a different path. If I weren't in such a position of responsibility there, it would be different.
Yes, although...well, I was looking into changing that to a degree before I came here. However, in the wake of what Lavellan told me, I'm not sure I should.
[He reaches to stroke a hand lightly down his arm, an affectionate gesture.]
I'd miss you, too, if you were to leave here first. Knowing that you don't wish it, I hope it doesn't happen.
[ Affection was something Fenris was always starved for, whether he wanted to admit it or not. He was so comfortable with Cullen that he did not attempt to flinch away or deny it, he allowed himself to enjoy that touch with a faint smile and his head slightly lowered. ]
In Thedas, nothing good ever lasted for me. Perhaps this will be different.
[ a rare moment of hope for Fenris. ]
I do not care to be involved with what Lavellan spoke of, perhaps that is selfish of me.
You are less selfish than I. You are a good man, Cullen, and I am grateful you are my friend.
[ It was better to say it than to bottle up the feelings he had, being in this city had taught him that. He had to be open, and not a constant ball of prickly self-protection. He was never more grateful for these bonds he had formed, and the idea that they might actually hold fast even if Danarius were to appear. ]
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I've met plenty of people who want to stay here. There's nothing shameful in it.
[He nudged his shoulder gently with his own.]
Who's the lucky fellow?
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You are too kind to me.
[ The grip on his book relaxed, but the sigh he exhaled was slightly frustrated. ]
I am unworthy of him, but Bull has accepted my heart.
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Fenris. You are not unworthy of Bull. I'm very happy for both of you. He has a good heart. And look at me. So do you.
[He said it firmly and with conviction, his smile fond.]
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[ At Cullen's request he looked at him, but his expression was conflicted. ]
He knows who I am, who I was. My memories come to me, more and more when I am with him, and yet he accepts me. I could never accept...
[ He scowled and looked away again. ]
I am not that good, I do not know if I even try. Everything I do is for the benefit of myself. I am not like him, not like you.
no subject
[He held the eye contact steady.]
Listen. If you admire and respect him, admit that he's good, then surely he can't be so wrong about you? Has he been wrong about other things? Important things?
All of us have things in our past that make us doubt our worth. All of us. Sometimes, that's what a...lover...does for you. Pulls back that veil and shows you where you're wrong.
[Maker knew, Ivy did that for him.]
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I... No he has not.
[ It was impossible to argue with him. Cullen made him not want to argue, because he seemed to truly believe in the words he spoke. His dear friend, he had never lied to him.
And so Fenris' stubborn resolved appeared to crumble a little. ]
I have never had a lover before. Not like... this. I want to run away and never return, and yet I cannot stay away. I do not know if I am afraid of him or myself more. And yet I do not want to lose it. Does any of this make sense?
no subject
All of it makes sense. Love is terrifying. It gives you something to lose that matters. I'm, ah...in a similar position with someone. So I understand better than you might think.
[There weren't many people he'd have such a frank discussion about this with. He had come to understand that he could rely on Fenris. He could only pray that his secret didn't break that beyond repair.]
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You are? [ a faint, brief chuckle escaped him. ] Perhaps that is how I knew you were the one to come to. [ it was a joke, clearly, because Fenris always came to Cullen for advice regardless of the topic. his trust in him was more than a little obvious. ]
Would you stay to be with them?
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No. I'm needed in Thedas, and she would understand that. She's bound to duty, as well. But I don't judge anyone following a different path. If I weren't in such a position of responsibility there, it would be different.
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[ When he said it his tone was not judgmental, just curious. He had never really had a 'duty' to anyone, not in the sense that Cullen had anyway. ]
I would miss you, Cullen, if you were gone.
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[He reaches to stroke a hand lightly down his arm, an affectionate gesture.]
I'd miss you, too, if you were to leave here first. Knowing that you don't wish it, I hope it doesn't happen.
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In Thedas, nothing good ever lasted for me. Perhaps this will be different.
[ a rare moment of hope for Fenris. ]
I do not care to be involved with what Lavellan spoke of, perhaps that is selfish of me.
no subject
[He can hope that for him, as well, given what he now knows. He lets out a soft chuff. It's not amused.]
I don't wish to be involved with it either, but...I have a feeling I'll be needed. If that is the case, then I want to be there.
[Even if it's to see their world end. As hard as he has fought for it, he'd rather go down fighting than whisked away somewhere distant.]
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[ It was better to say it than to bottle up the feelings he had, being in this city had taught him that. He had to be open, and not a constant ball of prickly self-protection. He was never more grateful for these bonds he had formed, and the idea that they might actually hold fast even if Danarius were to appear. ]
Thank you.