[After taking a seat, he watches him set up and occupies his hands with eating and drinking. It always feels less awkward having something to do than just sit.
In truth, his mind isn't much on chess. However, he's game to give it a go for a while, making his first move more casually than he feels. He knows why he's really here. It has to be addressed.]
All right. I'm listening.
[He schools his voice carefully, trying to sound open and receptive rather than overly cautious.]
I provided you some false memories while wearing the blue charm to make the whole experience more authentic. Memories about Iscariot, and about myself. I'm not sure how much I gave you since much of it was involuntary, but it was enough to be functional, clearly.
[He makes his own move as he speaks, openly tense. This isn't a topic he can approach with his usual equanimity.]
I know, through those memories, you would have felt the dedication of Iscariot members. You would have felt my dedication, specifically. I know, uncomfortably, that you're aware I would have attacked or killed anyone you pointed at and done just about anything you asked me to. That's a lot to drop on someone, and I need to apologise for it even if you don't blame me for putting you in that position.
[He doesn't let his speech disrupt the game, continuing to make his moves when required. Not very good moves, mind you.]
I've been serving God my entire life, and serving the Church and Iscariot almost as long. When I arrived at Duplicity, I had never been separate from the Church and nor did I want to be. My life was dictated by my superiors and I was happy to heel for them- within reason, of course. Obviously not much has changed, in that regard. [He snorts.] I've recreated some of my life here with the Church and Orphanage, but there's no Iscariot and none of my usual network, and sometimes I deeply miss my former life and the stability and certainty that came with it. You had the misfortune of having to bear some of that while I wasn't in complete control of my faculties. I'm sorry I wasn't able to control myself. Perhaps if I'd made a stronger effort to resist-
[He listens without interrupting him, making moves when it's his turn but otherwise more focused on what he's saying than the game itself. He makes a couple of distracted mistakes that will make things more difficult further in the game.
When it seems he has wound down, he sits back and rests his hands on his thighs.]
I don't blame you.
[He feels that's the most important thing to get out of the way from his side of it.]
I think I was just as much a reason for it as you were, subconsciously. Or rather...a good fit? I knew from an early age I wanted to be a templar, to serve the Maker. I started official training when I was thirteen. I...once had a knight-commander to whom I was loyal the way you were to me that night.
[He rubs a slow hand across his jaw and chin, whiskers rasping.]
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I understand. I've felt...adrift...since arriving here. I was in command of an entire army with a purpose. A good one. So I'm not completely sure that even had you resisted, things wouldn't have happened the way they did anyway.
It was a...a commingling of need and experiences, two sides of the same coin.
[Not an easy admission, yet he'd feel like a coward if he left Anderson to swing in the wind with all he'd revealed.]
I'll keep your secrets. No one will hear of any of it from me. You do good work here. That's what matters.
[He exhales one long, relieved breath as Cullen speaks, nodding along. This is more charitable a response than he was anticipating, but he does tend to expect the worst even from the best of people.]
Seems we're of like mind in more ways than I anticipated. It is difficult to disengage from things your entire life has revolved around, particularly when you were doing good in the world.
[He quirks a lip, making his next move. There's more thought behind where he places his piece, this time.]
Thank you. Honestly, I thought I'd irreparably damaged our relationship, which would have been a great loss. There aren't many people I would consider able enough to even subconsciously give the role of my leader. [He swipes a hand through his hair, leaning back in his chair.] Which is to say, you've made a good impression.
It is. I've found over time it's the...flaw...in being given a purpose. It can also be taken away. It feels rather like sailing without compass, sextant, or rudder.
[He notes with silent satisfaction the improvement in his strategy. He imagines all of this weighed on him terribly. It would were roles reversed.]
If I'm going to hold something against you to that degree, I'd prefer it to be something you had full control over. Maker knows, I...did things I am not at all happy with or proud of in the past few weeks.
[He quirks a wry smile.]
I suppose in a way I'm flattered then.
[The smile is short-lived. He's back to thoughtfulness and buying himself time to shape his words while making his next move. Course correction for one of his careless mistakes earlier, he hopes.]
I was never a Chantry Brother. No one entrusted me with confessions, or...much for moral guidance. Now that I know a large degree of what you do here, I'm going to make an offer. You can talk to me, if you need to. I may not have the answers, but I do have two perfectly good ears.
LIEs tried to play us false and set us against each other. I don't know about you, but I'd be all too happy to foil their plans. And it will be nice to be able to bounce ideas around with someone who understands. A two way street, to be sure.
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no subject
In truth, his mind isn't much on chess. However, he's game to give it a go for a while, making his first move more casually than he feels. He knows why he's really here. It has to be addressed.]
All right. I'm listening.
[He schools his voice carefully, trying to sound open and receptive rather than overly cautious.]
no subject
[He makes his own move as he speaks, openly tense. This isn't a topic he can approach with his usual equanimity.]
I know, through those memories, you would have felt the dedication of Iscariot members. You would have felt my dedication, specifically. I know, uncomfortably, that you're aware I would have attacked or killed anyone you pointed at and done just about anything you asked me to. That's a lot to drop on someone, and I need to apologise for it even if you don't blame me for putting you in that position.
[He doesn't let his speech disrupt the game, continuing to make his moves when required. Not very good moves, mind you.]
I've been serving God my entire life, and serving the Church and Iscariot almost as long. When I arrived at Duplicity, I had never been separate from the Church and nor did I want to be. My life was dictated by my superiors and I was happy to heel for them- within reason, of course. Obviously not much has changed, in that regard. [He snorts.] I've recreated some of my life here with the Church and Orphanage, but there's no Iscariot and none of my usual network, and sometimes I deeply miss my former life and the stability and certainty that came with it. You had the misfortune of having to bear some of that while I wasn't in complete control of my faculties. I'm sorry I wasn't able to control myself. Perhaps if I'd made a stronger effort to resist-
[He briefly bites the corner of his lip.]
I don't know. But I'm sorry.
no subject
When it seems he has wound down, he sits back and rests his hands on his thighs.]
I don't blame you.
[He feels that's the most important thing to get out of the way from his side of it.]
I think I was just as much a reason for it as you were, subconsciously. Or rather...a good fit? I knew from an early age I wanted to be a templar, to serve the Maker. I started official training when I was thirteen. I...once had a knight-commander to whom I was loyal the way you were to me that night.
[He rubs a slow hand across his jaw and chin, whiskers rasping.]
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I understand. I've felt...adrift...since arriving here. I was in command of an entire army with a purpose. A good one. So I'm not completely sure that even had you resisted, things wouldn't have happened the way they did anyway.
It was a...a commingling of need and experiences, two sides of the same coin.
[Not an easy admission, yet he'd feel like a coward if he left Anderson to swing in the wind with all he'd revealed.]
I'll keep your secrets. No one will hear of any of it from me. You do good work here. That's what matters.
no subject
Seems we're of like mind in more ways than I anticipated. It is difficult to disengage from things your entire life has revolved around, particularly when you were doing good in the world.
[He quirks a lip, making his next move. There's more thought behind where he places his piece, this time.]
Thank you. Honestly, I thought I'd irreparably damaged our relationship, which would have been a great loss. There aren't many people I would consider able enough to even subconsciously give the role of my leader. [He swipes a hand through his hair, leaning back in his chair.] Which is to say, you've made a good impression.
no subject
[He notes with silent satisfaction the improvement in his strategy. He imagines all of this weighed on him terribly. It would were roles reversed.]
If I'm going to hold something against you to that degree, I'd prefer it to be something you had full control over. Maker knows, I...did things I am not at all happy with or proud of in the past few weeks.
[He quirks a wry smile.]
I suppose in a way I'm flattered then.
[The smile is short-lived. He's back to thoughtfulness and buying himself time to shape his words while making his next move. Course correction for one of his careless mistakes earlier, he hopes.]
I was never a Chantry Brother. No one entrusted me with confessions, or...much for moral guidance. Now that I know a large degree of what you do here, I'm going to make an offer. You can talk to me, if you need to. I may not have the answers, but I do have two perfectly good ears.
LIEs tried to play us false and set us against each other. I don't know about you, but I'd be all too happy to foil their plans. And it will be nice to be able to bounce ideas around with someone who understands. A two way street, to be sure.