He keeps hold of his hand, stroking the back of it with a callused thumb, new calluses in different places since he has been working construction. "This place does things to us. We both know it. I would never hold something like that against you. I hope you know that."
He's trying to catch his gaze. For the latter statement, he reaches to tip his chin up and brushes away a couple of the tears with a stroke of the side of his index finger.
"May I hold you?" Sometimes a gesture can say more than words.
Another round of tears makes his eyes sting as Cullen wipes them away and Jamie manages not to sniffle, but he absolutely sinks into Cullen's arms. He presses his face against his shoulder and his fingers curl in Cullen's shirt.
"Please," he says belatedly, voice wet. "The tighter the better, this is absolutely embarrassing."
He gathers him in tightly, a broad hand settling at the back of his head. "I understand. It mortifies me when it happens to me." It will, however, pass, and he's more than content to hold him through it.
Jamie stays there for a long time, tucked in Cullen's arms and waiting for his mind to quiet. When it does, he stays a moment longer.
"Thank you, Cullen," he murmurs. He almost says something else, something he swallows back because it's silly and likely unrequited. So instead he just nuzzles close and brushes a more or less chaste kiss to Cullen's chest.
"I think I'm alright. Didn't mean to make this about me."
Jamie closes his eyes as Cullen kisses his cheek. He doesn't answer until he opens them again.
"I have," he assures. "The tears were--they were a mark of the Duchy. The title that I seem to have taken for the duration of... whatever that was. The Duchy of the Icebound Heart."
He shivers just thinking of them, because he can never mention their cadre without thinking of Sam.
"Is that why we couldn't warm you?" It sounds decidedly unpleasant. As frustrating as it had been for him at times during the duration, he imagines it was much worse for Jamie.
"Or...or make you happy?" That hadn't frustrated but rather saddened him at the time. There were moments of cruelty when he seemed happy. He's fairly sure those weren't real happiness.
"I think so. It might've been the sickness, too." Jamie stays where he is as he talks, head resting against Cullen's shoulder. "The Duchy manipulates people... what I did was some weird combination of their propensity for stealing hearts and my own--I don't know. My own desperate desire for love."
He shrugs, embarrassed to say it. But Cullen at least deserves his honesty after what Jamie put him through.
He lifts his hand to sift gently through his hair. Yes, it makes sense when he puts it that way. It's odd to him, that despite all initial indications to the contrary, he has become very fond of him. He helped him through that awful realignment session with the condescending guard. Hopefully, he can help him in turn with this.
"I hope you realize I care about you a great deal," he says eventually. "You don't have to...to do anything to take it. It's already yours."
Jamie buries his face against Cullen's chest like he might smother himself there. It's funny to think that months ago this conversation might have seemed impossible. Such a rocky start for such a soft landing now. Jamie doesn't know what to do with the sentiment, almost afraid of it. What does Cullen mean by it? They're dear friends, certainly, but--
He pushes it out of his mind. He shouldn't wonder, just accept the sweetness offered, regardless of measure or intensity.
Especially after seeing who he'd been, he has a soft spot for him that is persistent and unlikely to go anywhere regardless of what happens, barring persistent abuse. He continues to stroke his hair for a little bit and bends to press a kiss to the top of his head.
"Spring is on the way. Here-ish. I know you must be excited. Do you have any grand plans?" He'd very much like to see him in his element.
"I should throw a party," he says after a moment, once he's gotten his voice a bit more under control. "We had them all through the season, but always something big revel for the equinox, which is when power changes hands, and then something else for Beltane. Everyone wanted invites to the Spring Revels, the Court really goes all out."
He misses it dearly by the sound of things. He sighs and rests his head on Cullen's shoulder.
"I'll have to see if Dorian will help me arrange something big. It'll be strange organizing a revel by myself."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He's trying to catch his gaze. For the latter statement, he reaches to tip his chin up and brushes away a couple of the tears with a stroke of the side of his index finger.
"May I hold you?" Sometimes a gesture can say more than words.
no subject
"Please," he says belatedly, voice wet. "The tighter the better, this is absolutely embarrassing."
no subject
no subject
"Thank you, Cullen," he murmurs. He almost says something else, something he swallows back because it's silly and likely unrequited. So instead he just nuzzles close and brushes a more or less chaste kiss to Cullen's chest.
"I think I'm alright. Didn't mean to make this about me."
no subject
"Have you recovered? I was worried with the...the ice." That was something he hadn't been able to figure out.
no subject
"I have," he assures. "The tears were--they were a mark of the Duchy. The title that I seem to have taken for the duration of... whatever that was. The Duchy of the Icebound Heart."
He shivers just thinking of them, because he can never mention their cadre without thinking of Sam.
no subject
"Or...or make you happy?" That hadn't frustrated but rather saddened him at the time. There were moments of cruelty when he seemed happy. He's fairly sure those weren't real happiness.
no subject
He shrugs, embarrassed to say it. But Cullen at least deserves his honesty after what Jamie put him through.
no subject
"I hope you realize I care about you a great deal," he says eventually. "You don't have to...to do anything to take it. It's already yours."
no subject
Jamie buries his face against Cullen's chest like he might smother himself there. It's funny to think that months ago this conversation might have seemed impossible. Such a rocky start for such a soft landing now. Jamie doesn't know what to do with the sentiment, almost afraid of it. What does Cullen mean by it? They're dear friends, certainly, but--
He pushes it out of his mind. He shouldn't wonder, just accept the sweetness offered, regardless of measure or intensity.
"Thank you," he murmurs.
no subject
"Spring is on the way. Here-ish. I know you must be excited. Do you have any grand plans?" He'd very much like to see him in his element.
no subject
He misses it dearly by the sound of things. He sighs and rests his head on Cullen's shoulder.
"I'll have to see if Dorian will help me arrange something big. It'll be strange organizing a revel by myself."